I’ve discovered that I am extremely  upset about being fat. It really has never bothered me until after I had the baby. I don’t mean to say that I was ecstatic to be fat before the baby it’s just that my fat is somehow different now.  I am the absolute heaviest I have ever been in my entire life currently and I am sick of it! None of my clothes fit, I managed to find two pairs of capris out of the 50 bazillion pairs that I own that I could actually squeeze my muffin top  bigger stomach into.  I am still secretly wearing my maternity pants (this is probably not normal?) to work and the jeans on the weekend. I need help! Not only am I fatter but now I am turning into a fashion disaster.

Tom has lost 100 pounds, yes 100 pounds! Before we were equally fat together and maybe that is why I am now so uncomfortable in my skin anymore.

Yesterday we went to an Orioles game. I am about to take Tom’s picture and an older gentleman offers to take the picture for me so we can both be in it. OMG! I looked at the picture afterwards and I look like an elephant. My face is enormous! I mean to tell you huge! That rattled my cage and I kept thinking back to that picture. Then the game ended and we began our trek four blocks back to where the car is parked. I couldn’t keep up with Tom at all. My shorts were riding up while I walked, my flip-flops were slipping off my feet and Tom acts like we are in a marathon. He keeps yelling, “Hurry up, you need to keep up, blah, blah, blah!” I tried to explain I couldn’t walk as fast as him but he didn’t want to hear it, he couldn’t understand how my cavs could be hurting already. Please keep in mind that we were walking up hills and everything it’s not like it was a flat surface. So about a block from the parking garage my legs felt like one big cramp. I started crying, of course, it was so embarrassing to me that I couldn’t keep pace with Tom and that he kept hurrying me along.

It doesn’t help either that like every weekend one if not both of my parents will say “You need to follow Tom’s lead, look how good he’s doing!” As to which I am perfectly aware of what Tom is doing as I used to do the same thing and I am the one who taught him the diet before I became pregnant.

So starting today and am going back into weight loss mode. No more junk of any kind. I am going to start writing down everything I eat and make myself keep count of what I am putting in my mouth. Hopefully this will help my self esteem that has dwindled down into nothing.